Written before 3am Tuesday, April 20th, 1999...
|
I should be in bed right now. Instead the television is on. The air conditioner is up too high. I'm not getting up to turn it down or grab more clothes. There are piles of dishes, empty containers, food wrappers, soda cans, and other miscellaneous junk strewn everywhere. Though I'm not cleaning. Normally I'm not such a slob. Normally it's just a few articles of clothing thrown here and there from my tendency to strip as I walk in the direction of my bed, fall in, and pass out.
I don't even really sleep in my bed all that often anymore. Mostly I occupy the futon in front of my little television. I sit there with my notebook a lot. There's all these intense feelings I believe I need to convey as I scribble thoughts as fast as I can. It's usually when I'm hurting from the nonsense of taking things too personally or being too chicken to cope with my stress. The egocentrical words pour out, much like now. However, these sentences generally follow basic grammar principles. Those lines can't even keep their meter. Those I share my work with generally tell me what I want to hear... that it doesn't suck, sounds intense, conveys my pain, etc. It's nice lip service. Sometimes I even believe it. In eight hours I'll be sitting in a lab waiting for a class to start. It's a class I have no chance in hell at passing. This time would be better spent working on the program that's due on Thursday. I can't make myself care, though. I can't make myself want to continue on in this field. The idea of being able to write code interests me still. However, I can't perform in an academic structure. Part of me wonders if it will be the same way on a job. I'd be asked to write some boring, bland database and I'd just lose it, putting things off until the deadline and end up getting the axe. Maybe I need to change my focus again. Even though I find the humanities much more interesting than business, I do have a business attitude with a sharp mind for the important details. In an office setting I know when there are hidden agendas. I read worker dissatisfaction and diffusion of responsibility. I've even been called a good leader. Motivating people and improving overall output is a lot more interesting to me right now. I look at that really bad UNIX OS at school and I just sigh. I read over the various vi commands and whine for my Windows. Those aren't the reactions of a real techie diehard. I'm a geek wannabe. I'm the do nothing manager in the Dilbert comic strips who pretends to know all about those fancy machines with all of the pretty buttons. Right now I'm afraid, I suppose. I don't know what I want to do or what I can do. Then every once in a while I get a crazy impulse to become an entrepeneur. Hell... risk taking is not something I'm known for. I'm afraid of my own shadow. All of a sudden I no longer know what I want. Nothing makes sense anymore. Who am I kidding? It never did. I just simply went along with the flow and pretended it did. |